| lj |
[Friday,08] |
hahahaha!
i remember this site
i externalized my blog, yes, even outside of myspace
still writing thoughts on life, and god, and hope, and pain, and life
and also some poetry
check out whats up folks
adensityofsoul.wordpress.com
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| some fabulous things mingled with random thoughs |
[Saturday,09] |
LJ is growing on me again. Brittany and Kristen, I read your blogs more consistently then you'd probably give me credit for. Kristen, I hated how often you blogged when we were in High School, and now I appreciate it- lets hang out soon. In other news I've determined a few things-
I am never going to buy another PC, Mac has won my heart
The Myspace notifier script for Firefox is the best thing I've ever installed
I have fun friends, but fun friends dont always stick around
Having a warming oven at starbucks is great, but will kill ya in the morning rush
Adium with an ichat theme makes me smile
I'm also starting to figure out a few things about my future plans. After a year and one promotion at Starbucks I have more then full intention of staying with the company. I think i want to be an ASM...if that promotion can happen in a year it would be idealic. I think I'm going to start COC classes in the fall, which will be difficult no doubt (ugh, and i'm going to need a math tutor...i'll just say that beforehand) with the intention of transfering to Multnomah within the next year (probably next fall, Spring seems too close to make a move that significant). At Multnomah I'll major in Theology and minor in English. Afterwards I'm thinking I might pursue a teaching credential...we'll see. I'm thinking that having an ASM position would be a nice way to move up to Portland (and if school didn't work out it would make a decent job too).
I'm marking these words for myself,
the close of this summer will bring the close of a chapter in my life. Friendships, once they have moved on, will probably not be rekindled...i can foresee us growing that far apart.
I dont know what everyone's deal with "endless summers" is...I dont want an endless summer...I want winter to come...lol, but i'm a weirdo
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| it's weird to say |
[Saturday,19] |
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that i think i've found it. That I'm growing and learning, and living what I think Biblical Fellowship really is. It's strange to, after a long time of prayer, agony, hurt, and let down, think that someone really wants to committ to living out fellowship with me. I laugh because everyone around me for the last couple years has been earnestly desiring a relationship...and I kinda thought myself strange for simply wanting to know what real friendship looked like....even if that was not with a girl. I'm humbled, grateful, and newly inspired. I have a friend, a God-sent, who makes me want to love Jesus more than I ever have. His spirit, much like that of Johnathan's, strengthens my hands in the Lord. I doubt sincerity so often, and I'm being perpetually proven wrong. So, in short, I find myself in a state of mild disbelief, of total humility, and of complete thankfulness. I have seen a God who answers the most secret of prayers, who fullfills the deepest desires of heart, and who often does so in the most unlikely of places. Truly His is a deep- deep love, and to be shown that in the eyes, and hands, and actions of another person is outstanding.
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| artistic people |
[Thursday,10] |
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last night i realized that the greater majority of good conversations I've had, have been with people who are somehow artistic. I find myself wanting to be around thinkers and individuals, not because I'll be one by assosciation, but because I like being around people who are. I like the subtlties of humanity and exsistence, i like the works of writers, musicians, cinematographers, and artists who do too. I think there is something to be said about the people whose art has greatly impacted those outside of the artistic community. I think of people like Betty Smith and Stephen Chbosky, I think of people like Ben Gibbard, Chris Carrabba, and John Foreman, I think of the John Donnes, Emily Dickonsons, A.E.'s. I think I'm growing to like my friends better than I have. Distance, and circumstance can be difficult things to cope with, but in the end they make embrace and visitation quite sweet.
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| title without relationship |
[Thursday,03] |
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I just watched the street lamp You held me under Fade and die In a burst of red light While clouds, On the same token, Covered our moon And grimaced. There are no words between us anymore Only subtle shades of truth Title without relationship The hallow shell of days not long past. So don’t speak words so dear, Love, Don’t slowly draw near With hugs and soft grazing of skin Rest not your head here Unless you really care to stay
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| a little bit of distance is not always such a bad thing |
[Monday,30] |
I'm starting to wonder if I should return to this old blog and frequent it more than my myspace. I like the audience on myspace, but with so many people I sometimes feel like I have to walk on egg shells...and that kinda defeats the purpose of blogging, doesn't it? I'm feeling a broad mix of emotions recently, and I've been so busy that it hasn't helped that every day for something like eight hours I need to put on the "five ways of being" and suite up to be the ideal starbucks employee...although I won partner of the quater, so thats cool. I've come to the conclusion that when and if I leave my current store and stay with Starbucks I will not transfer to a drive through...as a supervisor it can be double the work...although when I have lead shifts at cafe stores it's almost too easy. I'm ready for change, and that desire is steadily mounting a great horse that will, inevitably, sweep me away in a gallop of excitement and spontaneity....and i'm sure i mispelled quite a few of those words. I make more money now than I ever have (even though that's not ALOT). I'm due for another review, and another raise, in a couple months...which brings the reality of moving out nearer and nearer. I'm still in a place, though, of searching for true fellowship. I know I've found some of it in Josh Cassidy, but he lives two hours south of me. I know God is using that distance though, because neither of us totally understand how to walk completely in true biblical fellowship, and we're growing in it. Otherwise life is all and well...for those of you who want to know. I get paid on Friday and will be buying a new laptop shortly after I do. The next pay check after I intend to get a wireless internet router for our house...GOOD TIMES.
peace out folks.
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| friendships, growing, life, struggle, smog, etc etc etc |
[Friday,09] |
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It's funny how i never come on LJ anymore, and even when I do only two people post (And that almost relentlessly). Where the heck did Jon Mac go? JON I NEVER HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE! Anyway, life is exciting, and scary, and confusing, and a struggle, and a victory, and a misunderstanding, and relatable all at the same time. It's interesting, I'm seeing CS Lewis as correct when he said (obviously i'm paraphrasing) that the Enemy need not put things in our head sometimes, he simply needs to keep them out. I'm finding that true about the reality of Christ. I dont see Him the way I should. I dont savor grace. I can't say that I am satisfied in Christ above all else. John Piper's thoughts on the matter would follow that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. That logic would lead that we don't glorify God when we aren't satisfied in Him (and isn't the opposite of glorifying God sin?). So I struggle with abiding, but the promise of hope and eternity is given to the abider. It never ceases to suprise me, though, that just when I think God is far enough off He proves Himself to continually listen, never forget, and to be ever near.
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| letting go |
[Thursday,15] |
I'm not sure if letting go ever gets easier as you get older. I'm not sure if having to powerlessly watch a friendship diminish is ever something that passes without a trace. What a strange reason to come back to LJ huh? Its funny how one day you feel like you have finally known complete vulnerability with someone- and the next circumstances arise and...even when you dont want them to...the walls reerrect themselves, and you find yourself shutting down again. I dont want this to happen, I dont. I just dont know how to stop it. I dont know how to share you. I will admit, I am struggling to concede the passenger seat to someone else. I will admit, I dont like having to be fit into your schedule...and i know that's hypocritical since we both have schedules (but you have to admit yours is much more full than mine)... I've hated that for a while now and our present circumstance has only made that worse! DANG IT...I always personalize entries, I make them selfish and deceptive, and immature because I point at people and type with this faint suspicion and hope that they are actually as naive as I want to give them credit for. You're not stupid, I know you'll know this is about you...and i want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I haven't been myself. I'm trying to like this, I'm praying (really...i'm not just saying it) that this will sit well in my heart. I really just dont know how to walk this ground. I dont know how to love you in context now....that's not right, I don't know how to practically express that i love you in context now! I feel like I'm relearning how to act around you. There is akwardness I've not known between us for years. For the first time in nearly six months I dont feel compelled to tell you ever detail of my life...and I dont like that. I dont like seeing us move on. I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, but now that it's here I'm unsure, and scared, and prideful, and confused...while you seem so sure (that's a change, huh?).
Regardless, please do not feel hurt, I do still love you...I just am learning what that looks like now.
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| READ THIS!!!! |
[Wednesday,20] |
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this isn't really one of those posts where I'm sad, depressed, pensive, and borderline emo...it's more just a relaxed, realistic perspective on my life experience thus far. Particularly my life regarding being vulnerable with other people. It seems to be the repeating story that I don't completely trust other people often, but select few will win it over- see me vulnerable, and then turn the other cheek and not return that kind of vulnerability. That's difficult. I understand the value in vulnerability. I understand that it takes time, and trust, and love...but i do struggle to understand why people, and even Christians struggle to buckle down and flat out be real with eachother. I think that being burned, hurt, and jaded by other people or life in general is a lame and invalid excuse. I've experienced that, we've all experienced that...and if we've all experienced it and there are people who still genuinely open up to other people I do not think it a legitimate reason for the remaining group to not open up also. Am i the only one who struggles with this... with unreturned vulnerability?
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| thinking |
[Sunday,10] |
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I sometimes wonder why we've been created with the ability (and sometimes the perpencity) to be nostaligic. Nostalgia has the capacity to make beautiful memories incrediblly painful...but...still beautiful- if you get what I mean. I was watching Laguna Beach with my brother today (it's kinda our tradition)...it was the season finale where everyone graduates, and they play sappy sentimental psuedo emo music as everyone cries and says there goodbyes before going off to college. I couldn't help but remember that that was me only two years ago. I was leaving. I was saying goodbye. I got in a car, and drove and left to spend a year at Bible College in Murrieta. Then I came home, spent a summer here, said more good byes, drove to LA, got on a plane- then another plane- then a train- and finally a taxi...to find myself in the middle of a country, with a people, in a church, with people that would change my life...anyone who knows me knows I'm talking about England. Today I stopped and thought what life might have been like if I didn't leave though...if I had stayed here, like Sergio, or Gabe, or Ryan and Toni- who I would be...who my friends would be. How strong my relationship with those friends would be. My life would be different, the course of my desires would be different (I wouldn't want to be in England right now...with Chaz, with Calvary York, with Ed, and the Bible College students, amoung a people my heart genuinely longs to live my life with and for). In the end I don't regret it. God has taken me where He's wanted me to be. I am who I am now because He has a plan. I still can't help but wonder a little bit... today I did that... and then i blogged about it.
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| a final entry from york |
[Sunday,26] |
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music |
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Keane: Hopes and Fears |
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I said it in my last blog, and I'll say it again. God has spoken in so many ways while I've been here. I needed so much of the refreshing, and so much of the vision. I needed to be reminded, remembered, alone, together, communed with, spoken to, hugged, neglected, and guided. It's been an adventure- truly. My heart is to be back here full time- that's the verdict, thats where I think God's been leading me, even before i came, now it's definite. Even when faced with the obvious challenges and struggles that will await me upon coming here- I still cannot say that I would turn back. I support this ministry, I love these people, my spirit agrees with what God's doing here. If you read this soon following it's post- be praying, I'm talking to Dave Sylvester tonight after service about the prospect of coming back. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to approach, or really what to do, but I know that I want to make it clear that I think this is where God is leading me!
This place is right, it feels like home.
On the more tangible side of the spectrum it's been so good seeing everyone. Kaylin, Chaz, Kelley, Rebecca- you guys have been tremendous blessings. I really wish I could have hugged you all more...you probably have no idea how much you blessed me this week. If the rest of CCBC York reads this: thanks for the warm welcome, the effort to involve me in activites and outtings, and for other acts of hospitality you've shown. Flat 11a guys, thanks for letting me use your shower, fridge, and kitchen. I've been so blessed to have so many amazing conversations with people. To hear, and see, and even- on a small scale- be a part of what the Lord is doing through this church, and in this city. It's been both good and bad (probably mainly good) to see what God has done here in a year. It's neat to see that, atleast with some of you, our relationships picked up right where they left off. My time spent with others was, in short, disappointing- but even in that disappointment my attention was turned to Christ and His love (thanks for that reminder Becky).
I've had alot of time to myself this trip, and it's been equally beautiful. I finished a fabulous book, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, it currently stands as my favorite novel of all time. I've spent alot of time in prayer, drinking Chai, and reading the Word. A lack of plans, a break from routine, was so needed. I feel like I can go home with a sense of vision, purpose, and a renewed burden for what I know I am to be doing in Valencia.
I'm leaving you with this short poem, it's from my heart, it's desperately true, and it's completely appropriate for so many of us:
How We Must Hold Her Hand
This is the place
Where Lonliness waits at the door
Only to guide you
Under umbrellas of hope
To a place of satisfaction
And beds of peace.
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| this is no emancipation! |
[Thursday,02] |
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No,
We are not children anymore.
Struggle and pain have assured that
Unhindered by societal status.
So why is it you contiune to fight
Against all the things-
And all the ones
That seek to make you free? I'll watch you crash and burn
On the corner of Liberty
And Independence
This girl will die
And everything that makes me proud
With her. Drawn away by her own desires,
Enticed-
And shattered. What you think is growing up
Is really a great fall-
So, please-
Hit the brake now!
There is no life on that corner
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| Before The Throne of God Above |
[Wednesday,01] |
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Before the throne of God above I have a strong and perfect plea. A great high Priest whose Name is Love Who ever lives and pleads for me. My name is graven on His hands, My name is written on His heart. I know that while in heaven He stands No tongue can bid me thence depart.
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within, Upward I look and see Him there Who made an end of all my sin. Because the sinless Savior died My sinful soul is counted free. For God the just is satisfied To look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness, The great unchangeable I AM, King of glory and of grace, One in Himself I cannot die. My soul is purchased by His blood, My life is hid with Christ on high, With Christ my Savior and my God!
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| Ordinary Life |
[Wednesday,25] |
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Take me and invade me, make me someone new.
Wake me from the dead and break me with the truth.
Move me and disturb me, interupt my peace,
tear open my heart, and pul me to my knees.
There's a world outside, that is burning,
while I'm turning blinded eyes,
while I stand by.
I won't survive, to live this ordinary life,
I'm not alive, to live this ordinary life.
And I will try, to see this world I live in.
With Your eyes, to love the world You've given,
-Starfield
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| coffee breaks at stop lights |
[Tuesday,10] |
I didn't have to work for the first day in weeks today (well, apart from the wedding in Ridgecrest on Saturday). It was nice. I feel like I've gone and gone for the last three weeks...and was able to exhale a little bit today. Not surprisingly, the day brought me to Starbucks (i'm there daily...it's mildly pathetic). I had to buy some Chai for my Mum, and some green tea for my sick Dad. I also decided to order an old favorite drink: Toffee Nut Breve Latte. It reminded me of conversations with Sarah Tantillo at Coppergate (Hlebo) in England. It's the kind of thing that would, normally, send me into a drastic- borderline-depressive state of nostaliga. Many of you know the kind; when the artistic temperment flares and fantastic poetry pours onto pages from a nearly dry fountain pen, while your heart beats to breaking and you repress it all behind closed doors because your family might not understand. It, fortunately, didnt end up that way. I wasn't nostalgic. I hopped right back in my car, and drove around town for several hours doing errands, listening to Relient K, with the windows down. The words "Here I sit looking at these traffic lights- the red exstinguishes the hope that the green ignites..." floated from the speakers and, for the first time in a while, I found them untrue. I pulled up to a red light on McBean and couldn't help but smile to myself as I drank my latte...I am not unhappy here. I like Santa Clarita. I like my life. I like my job. Today, atleast, I was truly happy. Contentment, and satisfaction in Jesus is a day by day struggle- but it is so rewarding.
On the corner of Lyons, two pizza companies (Dominos, and Little Cesars) had employees standing on opposite sides of the street holding up signs..it was funny to watch them battle eachother for my attention. I think Little Cesar won.
I got home and hung out with my brother the rest of the day. How appropriate! Yesterday, I spent the whole day hanging out with friends- being social. Today, I hung out with my brother and thought about how glad I am we had a rocky childhood together, and how grateful I am that we never got along then...we do now, and our past makes these days incrediblly sweet. The shadow improves the sunshine! We went out to lunch at Panera, shopped at the mall, swam at the pool, and came home to watch Harry Potter. We found out our DVD player is broken, so we went ghetto style and watched it on my latop while we ate cinnamon rolls till we both almost fell asleep.
I'm finding that who I am hates who I've been.
Christian, find your contentment in Jesus today- regardless of your circumstances, regardless of the frailty of your heart- strengthen the hands that hang down and the feeble knees, make straight paths for your feet and walk so that what is dislocated will not become lame, but rather be healed.
Skeptic, the answer to your search is Christ- pursue truth, and facts, you will find that no sinner has ever had such a Savior, no lonely has ever had such a Companion, no hopeless has ever discovered such a Hope, no seeker such a Find! In Christ, I guarentee that, though you will not find life easy, you will find it satisfying, purposeful, and meaningful.
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| Broken Pieces |
[Monday,02] |
Maybe One Day you'll Read This And Cry Because You Know It's About You, and You'll realize You Ruined More Than your Own Life.
You broke our doll house
When you considered it unimportant
To keep a promise
And to love
Beyond the strategic adornment
Of gold and diamonds on your
Clenched finger.
I can do nothing but smile
And laugh
As the onlookers and cynics
Convince themselves I live
A perfect life
While the secrets I know
Destroy my lungs
Like smoke from your old cigarettes-
The fires of selfishness I can't put out.
I'm becoming like you
And I loathe it.
These pages
This pen
Can only watch as
Ink dries-
The creativity of soul.
I wonder if
I can ever become
More
Than the prisioner
Of a secretly broken reality.
The complete destruction
Of a love once so true
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| on packing up and moving on |
[Tuesday,19] |
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Overall I'm not that upset about moving. This house has been home for the last 12 years or so- but, after living outside of it, in several different locations (mainly murrieta, and england) over the last couple years I've truly learned that a house is not a home...but a family is.
I tried to accomplish some pretty badly needed packing today and as i rumaged through tons of junk in my closet i came across several old shoe boxes full of letters from Junior High and early High School. I couldn't help but read a couple of them (and, as some of you know, I sent you their contents.) They were mainly from old friends, some letters were the written confessions of girls who liked me- or they're response to my confession to them. Others were greeings from friends. Some were from people who, prior to today, i would've sworn i was never friends with. Some notes were originally delivered with Candy..and a couple of them even came with flowers. There were notebooks full of things we passed back and forth in class (notbooks were always MUCH less conspicious than actual pieces of paper). A couple old pictures, some old Six Flags Season Passes, and an old School ID. All in all though, I find it funny that MOST (though not all) of the people who wrote me those notes have slowly slipped out of reach. People who sent me encouraging Bible Verses are now totally abandoned to the things of this world. Friends who were once "girl friends" are getting married, or all ready are. Perhaps the most ironic of it all though, there was not ONE letter from anyone I now consider my best or closest friends (with the exception of Bree). Man how things have changed! Time has taken relationships and completely disolved them, or torn them nearly to shreads. It, however, has also developed new and beautiful ones that I deeply treasure, and truthfully, I would never trade the events that have so developed those friendships for anything.
God works in amazing ways and I am blessed!
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| slowly arriving contentment |
[Monday,18] |
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music |
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The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most- Dashboard |
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I think God is slowly, but surely, teaching me contentment. It's been a pretty big knock-down, drag out fight, but i'm learning. I think, overall, I'm slowly coming to appreciate life- the pains, the laughs, the little idiosyncrasies, and the people. I'm seeing the workings of some unique ministries slowly developing- it's both exciting, and scary. I've been valuing my alone time alot lately. Continuing to read though "Victorious Christian Faith" by Alan Redpath- who is a truly phenomenal man of God. It's one of those books that I can't read too much of at one time because it's so weighty. I wanted to go on an adventure by myself after work today...the plan was to go see World Trade Center (i had been listening to Coldplay's "Fix You" this morning- and it reminded me of the preview) but I was disappointed to find out that it wasn't playing out here anymore. Life moves on though.
On Saturday Diana, Crista, and I had the day off so we ventured to Burbank (a place I'm not entirely stoked on as it is...due to previous...occurances). It ended up being a great day though! Way too many jokes to name, lots of smiles, fun moments, good memories I bought a striped shirt at Urban Outfitters...very emo, but i love it. Spent a VERY long time in a Bargain bookstore- bought three books: Isn't that Romantic?, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and The Wasties...i wanted to buy Running With Scissors, or Blue Like Jazz but they didn't have them. As always, by the end of the day we found ourselves at Starbucks. Ended up meeting up with Sergio on the way home- God has been faithful to restore our relationship- and it's exciting. I greatly appreciate, and truly love that guy!
Life cycles through seasons- while summer closes physically, i think i'm coming into the golden part of fall.
let me know how you guys are doing.
In love,
.:catlin:.
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